I've been needing to start blogging again.....

I’ve been wanting to start up blogging again but I’m still undergoing a lot of change and have been trying to work out how much of it I want to share ‘publicly’. My divorce was finalized on the last day of last year, so I’ve felt compelled to continue moving forward in every way possible. I haven’t necessarily been very patient with myself, so i feel that in some respects I have moved forward by leaps and bounds, and in others have kind of just been spinning my wheels. Fortunately I seem to have the disposition that leads me to look for the lesson to be learned or the positive side of things regardless of how bleak things seem in the moment, and that provides me with a profound sense of peace. I’ve been quietly mulling over what it is I hope to look back at come December 31st of this year. I still feel apprehensive about posting about it, but there are a few specific things and those seem to be falling into place.

My impulse control this year was much looser than I usually allow, and I definitely didn’t escape unscathed. However, the hurts will heal and I will be a better person one day for enduring and learning from what I’ve endured. I’ve learned that you can be good, you can be right, you can always be striving to be the bigger person, and other people will still find a way to use you or hurt you, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. Part of me wants to be like, ‘fuck people in general’ and just sit at home and binge watch tv, however, I firmly believe that none of the connections I’ve made this year were in vain. For every friend I’ve made (or attempted to make) and lost, there are at least a half a dozen new friendships that have been forged and I am eternally grateful for. As for the friends who have fallen by the wayside or away all together, I’m grateful for those as well. They’ve taught me about myself more than anything else, and that is always a good thing.

There are some pretty big changes coming down the pike of my life and I’m excited about what the future holds.
My work situation is changing, in both location and responsibility and I’m stoked about that for sure, this summer is shaping up to be a good one, providing its not unseasonably cold….. Which is still a distinct possibility seeing as I live in the Pacific Northwest.


The weekend is approaching and I’m looking forward to hopefully hiking with some friends (pictures to follow, fingers crossed!) as well as an Easter themed fiesta (you read that right) and of course, Sunday karaoke! :)
Stay tuned….

Pivot point

I moved into my new apartment this weekend! So relieved to finally have a place to rest and regroup for a while. Jared and I also got all of the divorce papers signed on Saturday so I can start getting that off and going too. Still a lot happening just under the surface, but it feels like I've reached a new plateau. I'm really motivated to get everything unpacked and settled, still not sure if I'll need a storage space or not. There's also a few crafty ideas I already have in mind, so it'll be nice to get that going as well! The next big thing on my wish list: a countertop dishwasher!

been a little while

Hello!
It's been a little while since I last posted, I feel like the changes that are going on in my life are significant, and I've been finding it hard to express exactly how I'm feeling.  This experience is extremely unique and I truly feel sorry for every time I've ever judged anyone going through a divorce. It. Is. Awful.
Anyway, I don't want to be a downer, in reality, so I'm not going to start doing it here. I've been trying to focus on bettering my life, trying to do good things for myself and get out of 'self medication' mode. (which basically consists of eating crap, drinking too much, and staying out too late. You know, the uszh...) I feel like I'm finally ready physically to get back into yoga which I'm jazzed about. It was my main source of strength training pre-farm, (not a big fan of weight training) and I've been kinda freaked out to try it since I hurt myself last year. I'm looking forward to being strong again, in so many ways.
 I'm really hoping to get into an apartment by june 1st which is also huge. Having a kitchen again will make the whole healthy eating situation tremendously.
I'm officially giving myself a break from my original new years resolutions, and I'm ok with it ;)
The hibernation continues....

honesty is hard

I always told myself that since no one really reads this except the people I care about, that I would always be completely honest. It's weird because I find myself falling into the same old habit of trying to be the person I want people to see instead of just being myself. So, in the interest of being honest, it's about to get real in here. As of this weekend Jared and I will be filling  for divorce. It's something that we have been threatening each other with during fights for over a year, and things finally came to a head about 4 months ago. I moved out, and we've decided after having this time apart, that we've become too different and that the marriage is not going to work. I've had most of the things that I'm judgmental about promptly blow up in my face, this being no exception. I'd always been skeptical of couples who sited 'irreconcilable differences' for their reason for divorce, thinking, 'yeah right, they just met someone else and have no willpower.' which is most decidedly not the case here.
Anyway, I feel cautiously hopeful about the future, and really want Jared to be happy as well. My biggest issue with our relationship (or what it had deteriorated to) was that we were both supremely unhappy, and clearly not wanting or being able to meet each others needs. The more we separately sought out personal happiness, the farther we drifted from each other, and once the friendship goes, the respect goes with it, so here we are.
So alone again. but never lonely. I have the most supportive friends and family that a person could ever hope for, and that is the real blessing, I believe.